Beat the curve

When it comes to shaving my legs right now, I hope I'm being graded on effort and not quality of work.

Nesting instinct?

At about 6.5 months pregnant, I panicked. I could not possibly have a baby without first buying one of those little hooded bath towels. My mind would not rest until we purchased one.

What happened to all of that obsessive preparation? Here I am at 8 and a half months, and we haven't even thought about finding a pediatrician.

Somebody let me cut in the line to buy sandwiches today!

Possibly the first perk of pregnancy. I'll take it.

Healthy cravings?

People like to say that you crave the nutrients that your baby needs. What, pray tell me mystical baby gods, does a fetus need with Velveeta and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups?

The time

Every hour of every day feels like Nap O'clock.

To the nice cashier at Panera:

Thank you for offering to carry my food because you noticed my limp. Unfortunately, that's not a limp, that's just how pregnant women walk. Er, waddle.

Cravings

The commonest question about pregnancy is what kind of cravings did you get? Mine is about the least exciting one you can imagine: fruit. Fruit, fruit and more fruit, I gotta have it. I once had a dream about stealing peaches from my friends. The most sinful thing I eat right now is the non-organic berries my husband was foolish enough to bring home. Like I can be trusted around luscious blackberries and sweet-tart raspberries, whatever I say about trying to stay organic for the baby. And I'm sorry, honey, but we've been married long enough for you to know that even if I say I'm not in the mood for apples, if you bring home only one honey crisp, the next day it will be gone. Overnight that apple started singing its siren song of juicy crisp fruitiness. You should've known better.

 I do have one craving but  nobody wants to hear it from a preggo chick: alcohol. Wine, beer, margaritas, sophisticated cocktails, Gran Marnier...I've had intense cravings for all of them at one time or another.

What people don't ask about -- and I have experienced much more intensely -- is food aversions.

Aversions

• Eggs
• Vegetables
• Left-overs
• Bread crusts
• Meat, with the exception of processed chicken tenders
• Coffee
• Water
• Beverages besides juice
• Seafood
• Dairy
• Protein
• Prenatal vitamins
• Any kind of vitamins
• Cheese, except in powdered mac'n'cheese form

A complete list of foods that were acceptable to me in my first trimester

• Trader Joe's boxed mac'n'cheese
• Potatoes
• Apple juice

 

Favorite pregnancy conversation

I went to Target the other night for a sampling of newborn diapers. Generally, I feel kind of sad and guilty when I'm in line at Target because our lousy economy and socio-economic system mean that lots of smart, capable people are stuck working as cashiers. This seems like the kind of job that only teenagers and the really stoned or not-too-bright should have to do.

But I tend to think this particular cashier was not terribly overqualified for the position. She gave me a big, empty smile and yelled "When are you due?" Then she told me that her sister just gave birth to the family's first baby.

"Well, real baby," she clarified. "There were two other babies. But this is the first boy."

My nine-year old dog generally growls at small children

That's a promising sign. I'm sure he won't mind giving up nine years of being a spoiled only child for the new baby. After all, it only took him six months to look at me again when I brought the cat home.

The high life

I find myself fantasizing about sleeping on a totally flat surface. You know, like a normal bed. Without the benefit of a 20-degree incline.

Screw you, heartburn.

Nobody calls me "Maurice" or the "gangster of love."

(This isn't a pregnancy thing).

Health food

In my first trimester, I found that it is possible for woman to live entirely on mac'n'cheese.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star

Tinkle, tinkle little bladder
You'll only get worse
As I get fatter

Another day, another stain on my shirt

Just about where my huge belly prevents any food from tragically falling onto my dark-colored pants and living out its food-stain days in obscurity.

Uuurrrrgghh

Groaning is now a necessary component of any attempt to rise from a seated position.

Danger!

We have a recliner at work that I take naps in. It's not fancy, and used to occasionally snap back to attention because I wasn't heavy enough to hold the back down. Now I wonder if I'm going to overturn the whole chair.

I have seen the future

And it does not involve putting on socks and shoes for much longer. Ouch.

Flickr/forkknifeandspoon
 

My uterus has it in for my rib cage.

Pregnant women are smug

It's true. I find myself mentally saying to other people "you're the guy who just cut the pregnant lady in line," or "you're the bitch who almost just ran over the pregnant lady and killed her baby."

Check out:  pregnant women are smug

I refuse to deal with people who drink placenta smoothies.

People are nicer to me on the train

But you can see it pains them.

I no longer eat bread crusts

That's all.

I bring a full day's worth of food to work

but it's always gone by 11am.

The main cause of stains on my shirts

...is that I go to take a sip of my drink, but suddenly need to take a deep breath instead, so spill the sip on my shirt.