Health food

In my first trimester, I found that it is possible for woman to live entirely on mac'n'cheese.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star

Tinkle, tinkle little bladder
You'll only get worse
As I get fatter

Another day, another stain on my shirt

Just about where my huge belly prevents any food from tragically falling onto my dark-colored pants and living out its food-stain days in obscurity.

Uuurrrrgghh

Groaning is now a necessary component of any attempt to rise from a seated position.

Danger!

We have a recliner at work that I take naps in. It's not fancy, and used to occasionally snap back to attention because I wasn't heavy enough to hold the back down. Now I wonder if I'm going to overturn the whole chair.

I have seen the future

And it does not involve putting on socks and shoes for much longer. Ouch.

Flickr/forkknifeandspoon
 

My uterus has it in for my rib cage.

Pregnant women are smug

It's true. I find myself mentally saying to other people "you're the guy who just cut the pregnant lady in line," or "you're the bitch who almost just ran over the pregnant lady and killed her baby."

Check out:  pregnant women are smug

I refuse to deal with people who drink placenta smoothies.

People are nicer to me on the train

But you can see it pains them.

I no longer eat bread crusts

That's all.

I bring a full day's worth of food to work

but it's always gone by 11am.

The main cause of stains on my shirts

...is that I go to take a sip of my drink, but suddenly need to take a deep breath instead, so spill the sip on my shirt.